Feb 24, 2010

Most Mentally Sexy Update

The Mentally Sexy Movement is changing the world and all I can say is it's about time because although I have always been a fan of the catch-cry 'A woman can do anything a man can do' I think it's about time the men got their chance to turn it around and say 'A man can do anything a woman can do' and yes, that includes washing, ironing and raising children. I am so heavy with pride that I may need to start doing some pelvic floor exercises.

Some exciting news for The Most Mentally Sexy Competition.

1. I am super excited to welcome Catherine Deveny to Reservoir Dad as the first Most Mentally Sexy Judge! Catherine is a television comedy writer, stand-up comedian, author, social commentator, broadcaster and columnist in The Age newspaper.

Dads, you'll need to make your entries sharp if you're going to impress Catherine. She is a funny, insightful, prolific writer who could tear Reservoir Dad apart with the effortless flick of her wit.

2. Suzanne Robson from
The Leader Newspaper contacted me yesterday. Apparently the first story on The Most Mentally Sexy Competition received such overwhelming positive feedback that they have no choice but to run a follow-up article in a few weeks. I am pleased to say it will include a pictorial spread of some of the Most Mentally Sexy Contestants. The Northern Suburbs of Melbourne are rupturing with Mental Sexiness and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

3. Joe
Schatz, author of 'Daddy, Where's Your Vagina' and founder of Dad-Blogs, has been working tirelessly on the new Reservoir Dad website and its unveiling is imminent. To this old dog of a website, which has served me well for over two years, I'd like to say, 'Move over, you're shit.'

The new website is so good. Last night, while staring at it and listening to
Cherish I lost several hours of sleep, just as I did several times in my early teens staring at a poster-size picture of my first girlfriend, Madonna.

I'd be very grateful if you could help me to thank Joe by purchasing a copy of his great book
here.

4. I have been so busy preparing the articles on the new site, as well as fielding calls and emails, and staring at my computer screen, and maintaining a semi-decent house and child-rearing schedule, that I won't be able to post my usual Friday ramble this week.

In its place I will do one of two things - unveil the new website, or if that's still not quite ready,
repost the first article that spawned the Mentally Sexy Revolution.

5. If you'd like to see the Northern Dads Group Round Table Discussion of the term
Mentally Sexy, go here.

6. Keep an eye on
The Search For America’s Most Mentally Sexy Dad here. They're getting some great entries and they will do their best to take the World Title away from us.

7. There is now a fan page at Facebook titled The Search For Australia's Most Mentally Sexy Dad. Please visit, become a fan and suggest that all your Facebook friends become fans too. Don't miss out on this crazy ride.

This is the way to the new world, Dads. Get on board, or get left behind.



Feb 22, 2010

Mentally Sexy Monday - Brad

Brad



Brad is the father of Georgia, 2 and Nate, 4 months.

"I’m Australia’s Most Mentally Sexy Dad because I know that work doesn’t just happen from nine to five, five days a week. My wife doesn’t get to knock off at five and veg out, so why should I? There is a lot of work associated with raising a family.

When I get home, I put the bags down and I’m into it. I’ll clean up around the house, stack the dishwasher, bath the kids, cook a few days a week, whatever’s going. The day ends when the kids are in bed and things are in shape.

It works because if I’m sharing the load with my wife we both get a little bit more time for each other at the end of the night and it means there’s not as much to do on weekends, so that we can both get out with the kids and have some fun.

In the picture I am at the Children’s Farm with my daughter, Georgia."
_____________________________________________

Nice work, Brad.

This Wednesday - Mentally Sexy Updates.

  • Go here to see all other contestants.
  • Go here for the official rule page, with details on how to submit your (or your partners) entry.
  • Go here for the official pictorial guide to the Reservoir Dad Most Mentally Sexy Competition Clothing.


Feb 15, 2010

Mentally Sexy Monday - Garry

The Americans are finally getting their act together – Dad-Blogs has received some very good submissions and the global battle to be crowned the World’s Most Mentally Sexy Dad is going full steam ahead.

Reservoir Dad has also received several more submissions for The Search For Australia's Most Mentally Sexy Dad and if they continue to roll in at this rate, we may have to start putting up more than one entry per week. I promise you this though – no legitimate entry will miss out on having a shot at the title. Even if we receive 100 submissions I will find a way to feature them all.

Since the recent publicity for the competition, I’ve been asked several times what the official definition of
Mentally Sexy is. To me, the Mentally Sexy Man is one who takes responsibility in maintaining the passion in his relationship.

One of the greatest aphrodisiacs for women is being desired? Yep, I think I read that somewhere… and so it would follow that a man, in a committed relationship, who is pitching in with the housework and child-rearing, to allow more time for intimacy, is displaying to his wife, in a very practical, visual way, that he still desires her very much. I call that a win win for both husband and wife.

Let’s not shy away from the importance of a good sex life in a happy marriage. I am no Maureen Matthews (sex columnist,
Sunday Age) but I’m pretty certain that sex, in itself, is a very good thing. Frequent sex between couples increases the likelihood of happiness, as well as improves intimacy between couples, boosts self-esteem and even improves health by relieving stress, boosting immunity and reducing the risk of cardiovascular disease (look it up) – all these things are very helpful when you’re doing your best, in a cluttered world, to give you and your partner the greatest chance at a happy, passionate marriage

There is some tongue-in-cheek involved in this competition, of course, and we want to have as much fun with it as possible, but let’s not forget that what we are promoting here, in the end, are good Husbands, good Dads, great men.

In other news –

• I am going to leave Mondays free for new contestants from this day forward and include other developments and news about the competition in the new
Mentally Sexy Update which will be posted on Tuesdays.

• Every Wednesday, I will include a
Mentally Sexy Tip/Quote Of The Week. Feel free to email Reservoir Dad - reservoirdad@gmail.com - if you have any quotes or tips yourself, or if you’ve come across any that you’ve read in the newspapers, or heard on the radio, or seen on TV.

• I am in the process of designing a website for Reservoir Dad, with the help of
Joe Schatz, co-founder of Dad-Blogs. I hope you like it when you see the end result.

• You’ll notice the change in heading from
Unday – The Search For Australia’s Most Mentally Sexy Dad to Mentally Sexy Monday. I did that because it just makes sense.

Now, to today’s Mentally Sexy entrant –

Garry


Garry is the father of Emmett, 3, and Milly, 1, and he offered us this -

"This isn’t the only example of my
Mental Sexiness but I think it’s a good one because it highlights many of my Mentally Sexy skills.

Put simply, I made my son’s birthday cake. And on it’s own that may not seem like much. But there is more than flour and egg in this cake.

Inside this cake there is an
awareness of my wife’s needs – she eats organic and so I had to find only natural ingredients. The icing is natural, the coloring is natural and there is nothing artificial in the sprinkles.

Inside this cake there is my high level of
commitment to my wife and family. I stayed up until midnight making it – there is nothing I won’t do for my son and my family. My wife was also freed of another responsibility, and after preparing for the party, which was on the following day, was able to go to bed early and get some needed rest.

Inside this cake there is
love. Love cracked the eggs and mixed the ingredients. Love fashioned the shark from the slab of cake. Love bent over the shark with a warm knife and applied the icing.

Inside this cake is
pride in myself, in my family. As you can see I was the proudest Dad in the world carrying the cake that I made out to my son’s birthday.

As far as being sexy to my wife, the only thing I could have done to be any sexier was to jump out of
that cake in a g-string."

  • Go here to see all other contestants.
  • Go here for the official rule page, with details on how to submit your (or your partners) entry.
  • Go here for the official pictorial guide to theReservoir Dad Most Mentally Sexy Competition Clothing.
  • Check in on Fridays for my usual ramble.


Feb 11, 2010

The Preston Leader and The Red Symons Breakfast Show


A crazy week at Reservoir Dad.

First The Preston Leader Article appeared featuring Reservoir Dad in Most Mentally Sexy underwear on the FRONT PAGE.

Then I received a call from the Red Symons Breakfast Radio show on 774, and before I know it, I'm on air, waffling about The Most Mentally Sexy Competition and topping it all off by asking Red Symons when we can expect to see his Mentally Sexy entry. He responded by coughing a couple of times and ending the interview.

Since all this media attention the Reservoir Dad blog has received a steep increase in traffic, some more Mentally Sexy Entries and a hell-of-a-lot of inquiries. I will address a few common questions here -

1. You can follow this link to find Preston Leader e-paper with the picture of me and Archie on the front page. The article is on page 5. I'm really looking forward to seeing how the neighbors react to this... not to mention the kids swimming instructors and teachers.

2. It is okay for wives and partners to nominate their husbands as the Most Mentally Sexy Dad and enter on their behalf.

3. We do have prizes. Just yesterday we had a brand new IPod Shuffle donated as a prize to give to Australia's Most Mentally Sexy Dad. We also have Australia's Most Mentally Sexy Dad Finalist 2010 T-Shirts for the top 5, donated by GRASHAN - The Screen Printing Experts. And we are working on others.

4. We do not have a prize organised for The World's Most Mentally Sexy Dad just yet, but we are working on that with Dad-Blogs and will announce it as soon as we have it.

5. Some more Mentally Sexy Clothing is being printed as we speak, and I will have a variety of sizes to fit all Mentally Sexy Entrants.

6. We're getting some great entries and all will be revealed over the coming weeks. The Americans are starting to shake in their boots, as you can see in this article. I urge you to keep the pressure on them, Aussie Dads. Be creative, be daring and lift your Mentally Sexy Skills to a new level.

This is the brave new world. Get on board or get left behind.


Feb 10, 2010

Reservoir Dad's Search for The Most Mentally Sexy - The Story So Far

Click on the names of contestants to see their official entries.














  • Go here for the official rule page, with details on how to submit your (or your partners) entry.
  • Go here for the official pictorial guide to the Reservoir Dad Most Mentally Sexy Competition Clothing.
  • Check in on Fridays for my usual ramble.

Feb 8, 2010

Unday # 5 - The Search For Australia's Most Mentally Sexy Dad

It’s nice to feel appreciated. It really is. We’ve been together for 14 years now and it’d be easy for Ian to think he’s got me in the bag. When he does things, spontaneously, like tiding up or making me breakfast and dinner, it makes me feel wanted and cared for. And a man who can make a women feel like that? Well, there’s nothing sexier.
- Virginia, Mother of three


Welcome to Unday #5! Things are progressing at a serious pace with four new, official, competition-grade
Reservoir Dad Most Mentally Sexy items of clothing ready to be worn by all the Dads out there who are dreaming of being crowned Australia’s Most Mentally Sexy Dad and getting the chance to represent their country at the highest level.

Remember, the rules for the Australian leg of the competition are very simple. Send a
Mentally Sexy Spiel to reservoirdad@gmail.com detailing your Mentally Sexy attributes and activities, and how these impact on your wife and your relationship. Include your postal address with your entry and you will receive an item of clothing of your choice – underwear, boxer-shorts, singlet or t-shirt – so that you can look the part in your Mentally Sexy Photo. Send the item of clothing back in the reply paid envelope, email your photo in, and we’re away.

In further developments –

1.
GRASHAN – The Screen Printing Experts, have donated five Mentally Sexy 2010 Finalist T-Shirts to Reservoir Dad, so that our top five Dads at year’s end can brag about their accomplishment, and let everyone know how great they are, without even opening their mouths. More details about GRASHAN to come.

2. This week, Reservoir Dad will be posting almost
every day, to set up some reference pages for future posts, and allow visitors to the site easy access to all the ins and outs of the Mentally Sexy Competition. Here’s a gig guide –
  • Tuesday – the Most Mentally Sexy Rule Page. (see Dad-Blogs if you're impatient)
  • Wednesday – You can go here to see the Pictorial Guide to the official, competition grade, Most Mentally Sexy Clothing. I will also be putting up the Mentally Sexy photos of the five contestants.
  • Thursday – The Preston Leader article featuring Reservoir Dad with photo.
  • Friday – The regular Friday ramble.
3. Don’t forget to duck over to Dad-Blogs to read my article – and to keep an eye on the American Mentally Sexy contestants.

4. We have received a few emails from women offering some quotes to include with each Unday. They’ve been great but we want more. Keep them coming. It gives us Mentally Sexy hopefuls an insight into how our efforts affect our better halves.

5. Remember, this is a global competition. Battle hard, for although contentment and happiness will come to all who follow the
Mentally Sexy Path, glory, Dads, is only for the winner.

Now to this week’s entrant.

Marty



Today’s entrant is Marty, father of Patrick, 3 and Isabelle, 2.

“My wife takes care of most of the child related responsibilities. I own two gyms, run a powerlifting club five days of the week, see clients for general fitness and strength building and outsource to professional clubs as a strength coach. My days are varied and motivating and I try to be conscious of the fact that staying at home to look after the kids is a tough gig – it can be isolating at times and it’s also difficult to focus on personal goals. For this reason I do my best to give my wife some child free time, so she can get her fitness and training goals met every week.

Sometimes it means I take the kids to work with me and as you can see in my picture, it can create some dramas. They’re always very keen to help out. I’ll set up a picnic blanket, with drinks and games and hang with them. It’s fun.

This is how I exercise my Mentally Sexy attitude and it works on many levels for both of us. My wife gets to maintain her fitness for her sporting goals, she feels great after exercise so she is much happier and she can really put the child-raising and household issues aside for that period of time.

For me? I get a much happier wife, who is happy with herself and her body and more relaxed, which means I’m happier. The kids are happier too. The bedroom benefits? I might just keep those details to myself. But hey, we’re both very fit…"

Feb 1, 2010

Unday # 4 - The Search For Australia's Most Mentally Sexy Dad

I pull on a tight tank-top and don the Most Mentally Sexy Underwear, pick up the vacuum and start fake-vacuuming the carpet, as Archie hangs over my shoulder looking at the man who is kneeling behind me a short distance away, snapping photographs for a newspaper that will go to everyone in my neighborhood – and some distance beyond – and my heart slows as I experience a flashback to a time when I was sitting in my classroom, Grade 2, cross-legged, answering my teacher’s question, ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ with ‘I want to be a fire engine’ and I can’t help but think that maybe if I’d been more specific – more correct – in my answer, and not chosen to be a large red vehicle, which is clearly impossible (even if I really, really believe), that I may not be here, as I am, wondering how the hell I got myself into this.

But I am here – into this and, to be
totally honest, I’m into this in a big way and (without telling too many people) loving it more than a rabbit loves digging holes because I’ve always had a way of ending up on the strange side of life and now, three years into my role as a stay-at-home-dad, I can finally say that the weird life is the life for me.

So if you get yourself a copy of the
Preston Leader Newspaper this week and you see the bald guy poking his arse in your general direction with the words Most Mentally Sexy blazoned across his tight black underwear I don’t want you to feel sorry for him, or embarrassed, because you’re looking at a content man, a man who has found his niche, his calling, his joy.

Some developments before we get onto our fourth contestant in the search for
Australia’s Most Mentally Sexy Dad

1.
Dad-Blogs is all linked up and ready for action. The search for America’s Most Mentally Sexy Dad is on and that means that the international contest to find the World’s Most Mentally Sexy Dad has also officially begun. Have a look at Joe Schatz’s sample entry to see what us Aussies are up against and then get motivated and send your Mentally Sexy Spiel here - reservoirdad@gmail.com - so you can get your hands on the Mentally Sexy clothing and get an entry in.

2. Dad-Blogs and Reservoir Dad have penned the official
Most Mentally Sexy Competition Rules which you can also see at Dad-Blogs.

3. Due to several emails from sensitive types who desperately want to enter the competition but claim there is no way they will ever be seen at Reservoir Dad in a pair of underwear I now have, in my possession, a pair of official, competition grade, Most Mentally Sexy Boxer Shorts and Tank Top. You can now choose what you wear although, I will point out, the judges will look more favorably on those wearing the underwear so if you’re not wearing them, your entries had better be super-creative.

4. I am now a columnist at
Dad Blogs, so head over there to check out my articles and articles from the other great columnists there.

5. I have just about wrapped up three female judges for the Australian leg of the competition and am not too far away from announcing the prizes that will be available for the top five Most Mentally Sexy Aussie Dads when the National leg of the competition ends in October. Stay tuned.

Now to this week's entrant.

Shaun



Our fourth contestant is Shaun, father of daughter Ollie, 4 months.

‘I think I am the Most Mentally Sexy because I work hard and long but help out as much as I can with little Ollie when I get home. I’m a hands-on Dad and wouldn't even think of leaving all the child raising responsibilities to my wife. I insist on doing the nappies and getting her to sleep. I love it and miss being with her all day. On weekends, when I’m not working, I make sure I’ve got a handle on her at all times. I even make a point of carrying her around at parties as you can see in my photo. My wife definitely appreciates my efforts and tells me it's very attractive that I am so in love and involved with my daughter. RESERVOIR DAD RULES!’

hehe. Thanks Shaun. – RD.

Jan 25, 2010

Unday # 3 - The Search For Australia's Most Mentally Sexy Dad

George developed an understanding several years into our marriage that he was more likely to get me in the mood if he helped with the housework and did his bit with the kids. I’ve always found it hard to get intimate with him if there was a sink full of dishes or a laundry full of dirty clothes waiting.
-
Christine, mother of three

Keep your pants on folks, the new pairs of official competition grade Mentally Sexy Underwear will be ready this week and so we’ll have some pairs to mail out to Mentally Sexy wannabes who are too far away from Mentally Sexy Central to do a hand-over.

Also, I’d like to appeal to the partners of the Mentally Sexy entrants. We’d like to include a quote each Unday to give us Mentally Sexy hopefuls an insight into how our efforts affect our better halves. So, women, if you’ve got something to say (see Christine’s quote above for a guide) either leave it as a comment or email it to Reservoir Dad.

Dads, the Mentally Sexy bandwagon is rolling on and who knows where it will take us. American site Dad-Blogs is on board having created a Mentally Sexy link on their website, with the promise of more to come this week, and as the competition intensifies I urge all Aussie Dads to get original with submissions. Take risks, push boundaries and make your Mentally Sexy spiels and photos as eye-catching and creative as possible. The Americans have vowed a mighty fight and we need some seriously motivated, wife-focussed Mentally Sexy Aussie Dads to go toe-to-toe with them.

This is your chance to represent your country at the highest level. Don’t leave it too late. Get your submissions in by emailing resevoirdad@gmail.com

Deano



Today’s entrant is Deano, father of Allanah, 4 and Emily, 2.

"Women hate filthy toilets. Seriously hate them. My wife is no exception. I clean ours every day. Every single day because I know that even if we are emotionally connected and spiritually centred and right on track for a physical connection one short trip to a filthy toilet can shift her mood dramatically. I never want the mood to shift. I love my wife and I want her to be thinking about me, not the toilet."


Jan 18, 2010

Unday # 2 - The Search For Australia's Most Mentally Sexy Dad

‘Women’s feelings about their husband were shaped by perceptions of fairness around housework,’ she said. ‘If the resentment factor was high that’s when their sex life was not great. The best sex aid a man could use was a vacuum cleaner.’
- Barbara Pocock, director of the Centre for Work and Life, University of South Australia

Cripes! The search for Australia’s Most Mentally Sexy Dad is really taking on the life of a raging love-struck beast. Thanks to everyone for your submissions, enquires and enthusiasm for this world first competition. We are currently in the process of making several other pairs of competition grade Reservoir Dad Mentally Sexy Underwear which will be music to the ears of all our interstate applicants as we will be able – thanks to Australia Post – to reach all corners of Aus.

Dads, it takes a strong man to walk the path of the
Mentally Sexy. The early days are not easy and some of you may make several attempts before finally getting it right. Unfortunately, there will also be those who will simply fall by the wayside. I promise you this though – if you are relentless in your pursuit, forever vigilante to your partner's needs and fully committed to the cultivation of the Mentally Sexy Mind, the rewards will come. And what rewards they are!

JOE


Our second contestant is Joe, father of five-year-old Jasmine and two-year-old Rex. Along with this sensational photo Joe offered us this –

"My wife’s generally a pretty relaxed person but if she’s had a rough day or she’s a bit tired I notice that small things can get to her – so I like to keep certain things in order so that she’s able to take it easy and focus more closely on her time with the kids and me. She works her arse off so she deserves it, I reckon. I try to keep the bench tops uncluttered and clean and the kid’s dirty clothes out of sight in the laundry. And because my daughter’s room is in sight from the living room I do my best to keep it neat (which is tough) by packing the toys away and stacking the books in the book shelf. Since pushing myself to maintain a bit of order I’ve noticed that she’s been more relaxed and spontaneously ‘affectionate’. I should have been doing this shit years ago, instead of wasting time and money on those bloody gym memberships."
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Jan 10, 2010

Unday # 1 - The Search For Australia's Most Mentally Sexy Dad

Just as the applications start to roll in and the search for Australia's Most Mentally Sexy Dad begins in earnest, we hear news from afar that a great challenge looms - American website Dad-Blogs - via co-founder Joe Schatz of "Daddy Where's Your Vagina" fame - has accepted the challenge to run their own competition to crown America's Most Mentally Sexy Dad.

This is now a global fight, Dads. The five most mentally sexy Dad's from each country - as chosen by female judges yet to be named - will battle it out to claim the title of World's Most Mentally Sexy Dad.

The stakes don't get any higher. If you are an Aussie Dad and think you have what it takes to fight for the Australian and World titles email Reservoir Dad - reservoirdad@gmail.com - to enter this heated contest.
Please provide a short paragraph detailing your Mentally Sexy activities and how these have impacted on your relationship with your wife. For examples of what we're after go here and check out, Simon, our first contestant below.

You now have an opportunity to represent your country and become an international super-star. Don't miss out.

On this historical day the people of Reservoir Dad are pleased to present the first contestant in the search for Australia's Most Mentally Sexy Dad.

SIMON
Simon is a father of two young girls and offered us this -

"I've worked hard on my mental sexiness recently. I decided to take note of what bothered my wife on a day to day basis. I found that listening to her before sleep gave me the best indication of what household issues were playing on her mind and then I went about trying to remove those issues if I could. I started slowly by picking up one or two chores and I have to say I noticed a change in her within a few days. I'm a man - I'm ready for intimacy every minute of the day but I'm really starting to appreciate how different women are. They need a clear mind for the mood to hit and that's what I tell myself I'm doing as I unclutter the lounge room or hang out the washing - I'm clearing my wife's head. So when we go to bed at night we're both in the right frame of mind and we're not talking about household chores..."

Jan 8, 2010

Tasty and Licky

It's 5.30am and the traffic is light and I can’t stop scratching this fricken mosquito bite on the inside of my left thigh and as I head to the Elite Sports Performance gym to begin a massive year of powerlifting where I will smash all my previous 'personal bests' I am almost vibrating with excitement and aggression and this is most likely the cause of a white flash of anger that overwhelms me when I see - through the rear vision mirror - that I am being encroached upon by a Red Porche hammering its way towards me in my 1989 faded red Toyota Corolla .

The Porche is very
very flashy and supercool and as the right-hand blinker signals the driver's intention to overtake me I am relieved that I fitted my Corolla with two hubcaps and a nice aerial only ten years ago as I am sure this will not go unnoticed.

He's going way too fast and the fact that he's doing so is purely an expression of his desire to dominate me and while I am trying to maintain my rage to attempt a 300 kilogram deadlift at the gym I feel my foot pressing into the accelerator hard and as I fight against the urge to burn this prick off in a car that was previously owned by a ninety-year-old lady who only ever drove it back and forth to the corner Milk Bar I notice that he is not only speeding but also talking on his mobile and the arrogance this displays and the danger he poses to the average motorist gives my accelerator foot no choice but to hammer down hard.

Disappointingly, my Toyota Corolla with the hotted-up aerial has just reached 65 KPH as the Porche begins to disappear over a rise one hundred meters ahead and in a mad rush to gain back some sense of power I attempt to flip the bird to his rear vision mirror but am impeded by the Dictaphone I hold in one hand and the IPod I hold in the other... suddenly I am aware of the fact that I can only really be so furious with his mobile phone-compromised driving if I was equipped with three or possibly four arms and so I sheepishly put the Dictaphone down.

Fuck him anyway. I am going to
lift 300 kilograms and I'll be doing it at a place where such a display of useless strength is much more impressive than a useless Porche and a useless suit and a useless pooncy gel-filled hair style.

This frickin mosquito bite itches and the more I itch the closer I get to drawing blood and this reminds me of how badly Archie was bitten last week at a family barbecue and how Lewis escaped unscathed which in turn reminds me of a story that Reservoir Mum told me and in order to remember this story so that I can blog about it later I pick up the Dictaphone again, press the record button and begin to recount the details.

'Well,' I say to the Dictaphone, 'Reservoir Mum is driving Archie, Lewis and Tyson to Nanny and Gramps’ house so that she can go to work and I can pick them up on the way back from the gym.’

I pull up to traffic lights. I suddenly feel like I am being watched. As I turn to the right I see a middle-aged woman sitting in her car. She looks forward – rat-trap fast – when she realises I’ve caught her spying. I reason that she’s probably a bit freaked out by seeing a bald guy who is dressed in filthy filthy powerlifting clothes while sitting in an old lady's car and talking into a dated piece of electronic equipment – like some relic from the days of tape recorders and Rubik's cubes – and I like this very much and so wind down my window and talk loudly in her direction.

‘So, Reservoir Mum told me that, on the way there in the car, Archie licked his fingers and said ‘Mummy I just licked my finger and it was tasty.’ t
o which Reservoir Mum replied, ‘Don’t lick your finger Arch, you never know what’s on it.’


I look down momentarily as I scratch again at my insect-inspired welt and see that I have created a rash that is approaching the outskirts of my nether-regions. When I glance to my right again I see that the woman is staring at me and shaking her head and I lose some of my previous confidence and feel just a tad self-aware and so speed off as fast as I can to get in front of her when the lights change. I get to about five KPH above the speed limit and put some distance between us so that I can continue recounting the story.

‘And after a long pause Archie says,’ I say, to the Dictaphone…

Another red light allows me to go back to scratching around the mozzie bite's edges, furiously – back and forth, up and down, round and round and damn it all to hell the woman has pulled up beside me again, this time on my left side. To my horror she goes right back to staring at me, with an expression on her face that makes me feel like I am a big pile of poo she’s just stepped in but despite this I am determined to appear as if I am not intimidated by her and I continue, but only after I slink down a little – and whispering...

‘Archie says. “Oh, I know why mozzies bite me Mum – it’s because I’m cool and mozzies don’t like you to be cool.”’

Reservoir Mum says, ‘Maybe that’s it, Archie…’

I turn the Dictaphone off and put it on the seat behind me as I once again race forward to get ahead of the staring woman and I’m feeling rattled – here I was psyched and ready to lift 300 kilograms and now after being attacked by the Porche guy and the staring woman I don’t even know if I have enough energy in the tank to pull 200.

Taking the Dictaphone I do my best to finish the story. ‘Um, then Archie, after licking his finger again, says “Oh! No! Mum! I know why the mozzies bite me now! It’s because I’m so tasty!” and Lewis, who has remained quiet till this point almost bursts from his car seat restraints to say, “Yeah! And I’m licky!”’

I am now convinced that hell has opened up and released this she-devil upon me. I am at the traffic light and she is beside me again. Her eyes burn into me and – having just watched
Drag Me To Hell recently – I am approaching a level of fear-induced hysteria. I throw the Dictaphone down, turn to her and mouth, helplessly, the words ‘What do you want from me…’ and then, following her line of vision right down to my groin, I become horribly aware of what furiously itching that area of myself must look like to someone outside my car. I suddenly see that I am not just a bald guy dressed in filthy filthy powerlifting clothes sitting in an old lady's car talking into a dated piece of electronic equipment. To the staring woman I am a bald guy – badly dressed, sitting in a rundown car – who is leering at a middle-aged woman, pleasuring himself and recording the moment for posterity, and that is just filthy filthy filthy.

When the lights change the staring woman takes off and I sit there watching the back of her head as it gets smaller and smaller and I feel just a tad under
permanently humiliated.

A few blocks later she finally turns off and I drive on feeling safer, but weak and small, and as capable of a big deadlift as the anti-hero
Strawberry Jelly Man – who is not a real anti-hero but someone I made up just now to represent my level of physical power and intellectual esteem.

To prevent myself plummeting further into the realm of insignificance I shuffle through my IPod for something uplifting. The Dictaphone lies beside me like a dead bird. I have forgotten the rest of Reservoir Mum’s story, but she’ll remember, and the fact that I will blog about the funny things my kids say allows me to feel some justification for all the madness I draw into my life. One day they will love to read about the things they said and how I took the time to write about it. That’s what I’m hoping anyway. Plus, the sound of the partially angry song
Monkey which is so great – in a gay-ish, George Michael-ish kind of way – may lift me again, if I give it enough time.