Study - Massive Plasma Improves Skills in Children

This is for all you smug bastards out there who are as sure as shit that television rots the brains of innocent children. Stop sending me the latest studies (sponsored by biased parties like the Australian Society of Libraries or Swingsets Pty Ltd) that 'prove' that kids who watch the most TV are the dumbest, the most violent and the least likely to comply with their Ritalin prescription.

It's simply not true.

I now have rock solid proof that watching television is so beneficial to all children over the age of six months that, from now on, I am going to consult my massive Plasma before I undertake any educational activities with Archie, Lewis and Tyson.

How am I so sure that television is good for kids? Well, unlike you smarmy, easily swayed parents who base all their decisions on randomised, placebo-controlled trials I prefer to use more reliable anecdotal evidence and specifically, anecdotal evidence as provided by me.

I chucked on a Yo Gabba Gabba DVD for Archie and Lewis while I was getting Tyson to sleep the other day. On this particular DVD there's a 'Cool Tricks' section where a young boy hangs a spoon from his nose.

If I was impressed with the fact that a seasoned performer who was talented enough to appear on a DVD could achieve such a feat, imagine my surprise and joy when I came back downstairs to see this –

TV is bad for kids? TV rots your brains? Don’t try that fluff on me anymore. I am so impressed with my Plasma’s ability to pass on useful skills to my children that, tomorrow, I'm going to chuck on a ‘Home Improvement’ DVD before I head off to put Tyson to sleep.

We need the house painted, some floorboards replaced and a wall removed. Can’t wait to see what it looks like when I get back downstairs!

And now to continue My Backyard - The Series:

My Backyard 4 - Everything That Arises

When it rains

my ducks stick their beaks in the mud and search for things –

slugs and bugs I guess.

They have white feathers.

Their whole bodies, apart from the orange bits, are white.

Despite this, they spend hours slurping around out there.

It seems a little strange

but they stick together.

You should see them – I could watch them forever.

There is no point to this.

They are ducks.

They stick together.

Their white and orange bits are covered in mud

and, it seems, they are happy.

It’s very challenging,

you have to watch and watch

but if you keep watching,

thoughts you once considered important, will pass

and days of seeing nothing

but white feathers and black mud

will tell you something, at last.