Aug 27, 2009

"At Least" Has Nothing To Do With It

This post is for all the halfwits (mostly complete strangers) who continue to imply that our family is somehow incomplete.

In fact, this post is an open letter to three halfwits in particular - the tooth-challenged woman at the DVD store who asked what the sex of Tyson was and then tilted her head and said, "Awww, you missed out on a girl". It's for the baby-faced Real Estate agent who said, "So, time to try for a girl again?" And it's for the obese Nanna who stopped us on the way out of Archie's Kindergarten yesterday to console us with, "Three Boys? Oh well, at least they’re all healthy".

All I really want to do is tell you to go and eat a shit sandwich but before I do that I’m going to say a few things I wish I’d said at the time and make fun of you in the process. Here goes.

For the record, Reservoir Mum and I never planned for two boys and one girl, or two girls and one boy, or three girls and a partridge in a Plasma TV. Our dream was to have three kids. Why three? Maybe because Reservoir Mum and myself are both from three kid families. Maybe because we had a five-placed dinner table and wanted to fill it. Maybe because I have three testicles and wanted to give them all a run. Who knows? For some reason three felt just right to both of us.

You hearing this DVD woman? Because I know what you’re thinking, (I’m not psychic but I tell you what – I know this for sure), you’re thinking that we only had a crack at a third child because we wanted a girl. You’re thinking that if we’d had a boy and a girl that we would have skipped on the third and lived happily ever after. You’re saying that Tyson, my brilliant son, was a gamble we lucked out on. That he somehow didn't meet our expectations. That we're dissatisfied with him. Well, while I'm stopping myself from swearing too much and you're readying yourself for a tasty shit sandwhich, we'll have a look at his face –

He's our third child. He is exactly what we were wanting. It gets no better than Tyson. And no better than Archie and Lewis. Reservoir Mum and myself have seen many other kids – male, female and hermaphro – and none have ever compared. Our kids are the greatest kids we’ve ever seen.

You hearing this Nanna three chins? You might want to think about this before you walk up to the next family, stick your face in their pram and downplay their children. At least they’re healthy??? How about you stick ‘at least' up your clacker and we’ll hold on to ‘they’re healthy’ because they are healthy and 'at least' has nothing to do with it.

Maybe you’d be happier if we’d had a retarded female. ‘Well, at least it’s a girl!’

Bottom line is our dream came true because we have three children. We are in love with them. And very happy. Don’t commiserate with someone who’s won the jackpot. It makes no fricken sense.

I’ll be carrying the address of this post around on slips of paper in my wallet. Next time someone takes it upon themselves to suggest that our family is somehow incomplete I won’t say a damn thing. I’ll just hand them this post on a platter.

But just for myself I’m going to reply directly to you three. Let’s hear those comments again

The woman at the DVD store: Awww. You missed out on a girl…
Reservoir Dad: Awww. You missed out on some teeth.

The babyfaced Real Estate Agent: So time to try for a girl again?
Reservoir Dad: So. Time to try for puberty again?

The Nana at the Kindergarten: Three boys? Oh well, at least they’re all healthy.
Reservoir Dad: Three chins? Oh well, at least they’re not hairy.

Oh, and here’s your shit sandwich.

Trust me. It’s in there.

Dad Blogs


Peter said...

Funny post. Humber.

Anonymous said...

Ya flamin mogrel... couldn't ya find some cute defenceless animal to pick on this week? What's wrong with 3 chins anyway?

Dave said...

I love how total strangers feel free to get in your business simply because you have children.

Anonymous said...

I understand where you're coming from. My husband and I have two girls and during their whole lives people have come up to us and asked if we were going to try for a boy. I guess we were incomplete as a family if we didn't have a boy. Like you, I love my children and think they are the best.
Tyson and your other children are just adorable. Love your photo on top of your blog.
A shit sandwich? May I borrow it? I have some people I'd like to serve it to. -- SurprisedMom

PJ Mullen said...

I'd love to say these things to peoples faces if it wouldn't embarass my wife. People are stupid and need to be put in their place. My father's girlfriend keeps asking us when we're going to try for a girl. I'm restraining myself as best I can to not ask her what position it takes to have a girl. Considering she has no children of her own, she should really just stfu. Nice post.

BellaDaddy said...

Damn happy someone else feels the way we do...Kudos! Great Post!

Teacher Tom said...

Right on! You should hear the crap we get since we decided to stop at one kid. Thanks.

Otter Thomas said...

Hilarious! I hate how strangers think they can take one look at you and know your life story. People are the worst.

Buck Rogers said...

I have the opposite problem, I wanted one kid, one and done. I got a girl couldn't be happier. I get asked when #2 is happening and am I going to keep trying for a boy

Anonymous said...

Well, now you can dress them in Cats jumpers and they'll be girls. So you get the best of both worlds.

Scott said...

Very well said. I get real sick of people always telling me what I want.

Just know that a pack of ravenous dads has your back if these people ever get too far out of line.

Kyles Smiles said...

What shape is a five place dinner table?

WeaselMomma said...

I understand and completely agree with your angst. I hated when strangers, friends and family alike stuck their noses into my bedroom.
I do have one question for you though. You said "Maybe you’d be happier if we’d had a retarded female", implying that would be a bad thing. As a mother of 1 son and 5 daughters, one of which was retarded and has since passed away, I can tell you that she was no lesser or less loved and enjoyed than her siblings and we miss her very much. I have to say, what's wrong with a 'retarded female' or male for that matter?

Reservoir Dad said...

Anonymous - You comment a fair bit. If I ever catch up with you...

Kyles Smiles - a circle.

WeaselMomma - Sorry if my post came across that way. I wasn't trying to imply that having a child with a disability was a bad thing (although I can see how it would seem that way) I was just trying to point out the how ridiculous the original comment was by being a little outrageous. Sorry if I offended.

WeaselMomma said...

I understand the point you were making and agree. I did not mean to be snappy or over react and for that I apologize. This is just something I am sensitive about because so many people told us how much better off we were that she died. We didn't feel that way at all.

Reservoir Dad said...

Hi WeaselMomma,

I didn't think you were being snappy or over reacting, even though you had every right to. So don't apologize.

I know it would have been tough to know how to react but it freaks me out that people would say that you. Arseholes.

TJH said...

Great blogs. Now that I have a bit more time on my hands, I have saved your URL and will become a regular reader.

TJH said...

Very entertaining. I have saved your blog as a favourite and will become an avid reader.