Home Dads In The Wild #3

I've put the interview with Stan the Marine Worm in a file for another time at the suggestion of Dan from the Northern Dads Group who was keen to hear from a Home Dad in the Wild who 'wasn't perfect'.

Without casting aspersions on anyone, I now offer you the transcript of the interveiw with Donald the Sand Goby. Hope you enjoy it.

Reservoir Dad: I did a bit of research on you guys. I was impressed, first of all, that you spent so much time building a nest, looking after the eggs and basically giving the women of your species a break. I mean that’s basically an example of what we humans call a ‘good dad’

Donald: Thanks, man. Appreciate it. The males in our species have a long history of being there for our offspring. We really enjoy being involved. We care.

RD: So, how do I get to this next question… I’ll just go ahead and say it. You can respond as you please.

Donald: Okay…

Donald: So. You eat your babies…

Donald: What? No…

RD: You do so. Scientists have documentation that proves that you nibble at your own babies.

Donald: What’s a scientist?

RD: Umm, a person who studies things and records them and basically hangs around watching things happen.

Donald: Those huge guys in the white coats, holding the little glasses of colourful stuff?

RD: Yep.

Donald: Those bastards! They’re around so long you forget they’re there.

RD: Sure mate. That’s what the losers on Big Brother say about the cameras to excuse their bad behaviour.

Donald: Okay, I nibble at my babies a little. A bite here and there. What’s your point?

RD: Actually, it says here that you eat up to 40% of your brood most of the time and sometimes you even eat them all.

Donald: 40%? Sounds a bit of an over-estimation. Okay. Fine. I eat my babies. Big deal. Move on. Next question.

RD: Why would you eat your own children? I wouldn’t call that great parenting.

Donald: Oh you wouldn’t, wouldn’t you? Well what do you eat then?

RD: Whatever’s in the cupboard, or the fridge.

Donald: Well where’s my cupboard smartass? Where’s my fridge? You see where I’m going with this? I read your interview with the Penguin and the Emu. These poor bastards starve half to death looking after their brood. You know why? Because they have only a few eggs. Can you imagine the Penguin getting a little peckish and nibbling on his only baby? Doesn’t really lead to the continuation of a species does it? You humans only have a few children but you’ve got cupboards and fridges full of stuff. We all have ways of getting by mate.

RD: Our elderly next door neighbours had fourteen children.

Donald: Yeah? Well I’d be eating some of those.

RD: No. You see? This is where we differ. Even if they had twenty kids they still wouldn’t eat any of them.

Donald: Not even if they’re really, really hungry?

RD: Not even then, Donald.

Donald: But there’s so bloody many of them. They don’t shut up. They leave a huge mess and I’m stuck with them all the fricken time. Come on man. Give us a break. I don’t eat all of them.

RD: So you eat your babies to reduce noise and mess?

Donald: And stress. It can be hard work with a brood that large.

RD: True. I have a hard time with a brood the size of two. Sometimes I feel very frustrated. Never considered eating them though.

Donald: You’d have to be careful if you did, I’d imagine.

RD: Why’s that?

Donald: Well, once I start chewing down on the little whipper-snappers I get insatiable. Can’t stop at just one or two. Might happen to you as well. A little nibble on Archie and before you know it, Lewis is gone too.

RD: Did that with a block of chocolate once. Anyway, I don’t think you’re being very honest with me. While doing my research I came across a theory that the only reason you care for your brood is because it impresses the ladies.

Donald: Okay, okay. Truth is I don’t like looking after the kids at all. But the chicks dig it big time. Looking after kids is like my peacock's feather - a very big sexual ornament and a chick magnet. I mean, I'm a DILF mate. That’s how you score! That’s how you spread your seed! Chicks like sensitive guys. And there is nothing that screams sensitive more than being gay…

RD: What?

Donald: ... and second to that is a bloke looking after kids. You hang out with the kids, clean the house a little and then you’re mating with every Sand Goby in the sea. You’re producing so many eggs that you’d be stupid NOT to eat a few… only when the women aren’t looking of course.

RD: You’re starting to scare me a bit, Donald.

Donald: Get with it man. How many women have you mated with since you’ve had kids?

RD: It’s a bit different for us humans. We generally end up paring with one person.

Donald: For how long?

RD: For ever.

Donald: For Ever!? And you’re getting stuck into me for eating babies?

RD: We actually like it mate. It has benefits.

Donald: Now, you’re starting to scare me, RD.

RD: So, to sum it up - Despite your attempt to convince me that you love your children, you actually only look after your brood and tend to the nest to impress chicks and mate with them?

Donald: That just about covers it.

RD: Thanks for you time.

Donald: No worries RD. By the way, where are your kids today?

RD: Just move on Donald. Don't let the door hit you in the ass.

Donald: Pffft. Those scientist bastards are good.

RD: Wouldn’t be able to blog without them.