In a long and moving ceremony Simon threw the coveted trophy at me while we were drinking lattes at Joe’s joint. The other Dads smirked briefly and said very little, possibly because they were so choked by emotion, possibly because they had been in possession of the 'Nappy of Nomination' for several weeks without seeing me and had therefore milked all of the humor out of it while they awaited my long…. awaited return.
The children rushed to see my new prize but turned back to their toddler-ish activities once they realized it was not a cool new toy or something they could eat. (Note: place Bob the Builder and Dora the Explorer stickers on trophy and try for more glory next week.)
After the official ceremony, which finished at 11.15am, we moved on to the official roster of events –
11.16 – Awkward silence.
11.17 – Joe pointed at a child who was arbitrarily throwing pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, thereby breaking the awkward silence.
11.18 – Joe made more lattes while the rest of the Dads ushered the children outside.
11.20 – Children jumped on the trampoline, climbed into the cubby house and pressured Dads into pushing them on swing. Feeling more comfortable outdoors, Dads began to have semi-serious conversations, mostly about sex, poo, football and how great kids are.
11.30 – Joe guided the Dads through the complicated process of brewing one’s own beer.
11.40 – Cheesecake, strawberries and cream were severed. 6 out of the 7 children present requested a very big piece of cheesecake. 3 of those 6 ate only half of their serving. 1 just nibbled at an edge. 1 licked the entire length of the cheesecake and walked away. 1 put his finger in the cheesecake and requested an icy pole.
11.50 – A child pooed. All Dads present sniffed their child’s bum. Eventually the culprit was located and excluded from the group until the proper corrections had been made.
12.00 – Dad health issues were raised. Topics covered - diabetes, stroke, asthma and heart attack. Diet was talked about with the general consensus being that it doesn’t really matter what you eat anyway because this one guy who smoked twenty packets of cigarettes a day and drank whisky his whole life lived to 110 and this other guy who ate lots of veggies and ran marathons died when he was 35.
12.10 – Reservoir Dad made a sexist comment in regards to women and housework (ironic I know). Everyone agreed and laughed at the expense of women (none of whom were present).*
12.15 – Another child pooed. All Dads present re-sniffed their child’s bum, except for the Dad who belonged to the previous poo. After prolonged sniffing it was suggested to this Dad that it was his child who had pooed, again. This was confirmed and the culprit was excluded from the group until the appropriate adjustments had been made.
12.20 – Children dispersed. Dads separated fights, supervised trampoline activities, rescued children from cubby ladder mishaps, pushed children on swings, made funny faces, jumped and skipped and laughed like children etc etc. No hamstring or lower back injuries were reported.
12.40 – Official closing ceremony involving bag gathering, shoe searching, musical hats and drink bottle returning. False promises and bribery were used to encourage children into the car.
I would like to thank everyone who nominated me for the Presidency of the Northern Dads Group.** While I am aware that it was me who first suggested me as president and that no one else really wanted to do it I am honored to have been chosen by my peers. I will work tirelessly to make sure that the fine standards set by former President Dan are upheld and that NDG continues to be a highly sought after resource for Home Dads everywhere.
*My fear is that people are now laughing at my jokes because I am president, not because I am funny.
** Reservoir Dad will have to take the oath of office a second time, after the vow was bumbled at the inauguration ceremony. The word order had been flubbed by Simon at the ceremony, leading to questions over the legitimacy of Reservoir Dad’s presidency.